A False Dichotomy

We spend far more time at our jobs than we'd like to imagine. Depending on the nature of your job and time taken for travel, you could spend close to half your time with work related activities. So getting a new job can be like starting a new life, a chance to start afresh.

I didn't know it at the time, but I was using my job as an escape from my problems. When everything that could go wrong was going wrong in my personal life, I could always go to work and pretend that nothing was wrong. And it wasn't hard. When your job involves dealing with around 80-100 patients during an 8 hour shift +/- rounds, there really isn't any time for the mind to wander off into negative thoughts. Time passes by very quickly.

You only share what you need to about yourself at work, nothing more. But when your personal life is as crappy as mine, even the most benign-appearing questions ends with me telling a sad story of some sort. It's not my first instinct to lie (or so I'd like to believe) so I would convey as much as I needed to avoid any awkwardness (as much possible anyway). But this somehow managed to create a false persona. It made me seem much stronger than I actually was on the inside because people learnt about the problems I was dealing with and assumed I was keeping it all together quite well.

Now there are very few people from work that I actually opened up to about my problems and there are definitely times when I regret doing so. That's because telling someone what you are going through instantly shatters that false image I had inadvertently built for myself. And that means they'll respect me less. And respect counts for a hell of a lot at the workplace. But I couldn't avoid it at times because everyone in my personal life was just making things worse, directly or indirectly, and you also just need to talk to someone about this shit sometimes.

 Facing Reality

Now, I've taken a hiatus from working in order to focus on higher studies. This means spending a lot more time at home and time at home for me basically means time alone. And it also means much more time for negative thoughts to creep in. While I have been able to achieve a lot with more free time, it has also given a feeling of great emptiness and pain.

The lockdown has exacerbated all these problems for me. I've had precious little contact with other human beings the past few weeks. It is hard to ignore that while other people are spending more time with family, I'm here alone in what seems like a form of house arrest.

People try to reach out to me at times but I tend to resist all temptation to open up now. I figure that most if not all of them are not prepared to learn that perhaps I'm not doing all that well. And of course, there is nothing worse than opening up to the wrong person or to someone who just doesn't care that much. So I keep a facade of being totally okay, even when I'm not.

They say the tough times make you stronger but I don't feel strong at all. I used to be strong, maybe 3 years ago. Now I feel as though I am damaged, scarred and with a hint of PTSD to boot. All of the grief, anger and betrayal that I've endured over the years has makes me feel weak and vulnerable, not strong. Bad experiences do not disappear from our lives, they linger on as memories waiting to be relived.

All that I am hoping for is that the next few months pass quickly so that I can get back to work. So that I can get back to doing meaningful things in my life again. Things that can fill the vacuum inside of me right now. I need a reality that is easier to tolerate.

Comments

  1. Unknown17 April 2020 at 22:49

    It's not an easy one!
    Even the journey through your 'words' seems to be such difficult.. Then how about the fact that you have lived through them!
    It demands so much strength to contain that incessant pain within you, without even letting the other person realize that you are going through such torments in life... But what requires even more strength n immense courage is to open up those cold happenings in life, to unmask the real vulnerable you n to talk about the harsh realities of your life just as a survivor,( not a warrior)..
    When u do so.. I don't think u loose respect..n If anybody made u feel so... Its just that they could not handle the wave of exemplary strength that you possess!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous18 August 2024 at 09:04

    You are the best sir,,,may god bless you

    ReplyDelete

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