Understanding Pain
Recently, an acquaintance called me to ask for some advice after one of their elderly relatives fell ill.
"Do you think she can survive?"
"The prognosis is not very good at all," I replied.
I then learnt that the doctors treating her felt the same way. Her family decided she should spend her last moments at home instead of the ICU. It was a personal decision and a completely understandable one.
But I could tell that my acquaintance was not in a good place. I use the word acquaintance because I really didn't know this person very well, having had only a couple of conversations months back. But I still felt the urge to call and check up on him to see how he was doing. He wasn't good. But he was happy I called.
Responding to pain
Emotional pain is an extremely common problem. It's guaranteed that someone you're close to will go through it at some point in their lives. It's inevitable. Unfortunately, very very few know how to respond to another person in pain and so they either completely ignore the pain, hoping it would pass soon or distastefully tell them to get over it.
I thought of calling because I knew what that pain felt like. Just because someone's death wasn't unexpected doesn't mean it isn't going to be painful. My mother fought off cancer for over 5 years before she passed but that loss still hurt me immensely.
"Are you eating?" I asked a few days later.
"How'd you know I was not eating?"
"Because I know what you're going through right now."
And it was because I knew what it felt like that convinced me I should do something. I'm rarely smart enough to say the right things at the right time but what I've learnt about pain is that you don't need to be perfect. You need to ignore the inhibition/social awkwardness that comes with not knowing what to say. Even the simple act of trying to be there for someone in pain can mean a big deal. Your social awkwardness is less important than trying to mitigate someone else's pain. Admittedly, this not something I would have done 5 years ago.
When my father passed, vast majority of the people in my batch did not reach out. Even the ones that were close to me during college. I was pretty pissed off at first but now I realise that they probably just didn't want to deal with the awkwardness of it all.
Identifying pain
When you work as a doctor, you see people in pain all the time. Often, it's physical pain but emotional pain is not far behind. I've seen grief, depression and loneliness manifest is so many ways that I can pretty much tell within 30 seconds of a conversation. Some people are open about it, others aren't until you say that you get it. I'm not sure if I can tell because I'm trained to see the signs or because I have personal experience dealing with negative emotions.
It's difficult to make a meaningful difference in a few minutes. I try to be my best and most positive personality but have no idea if this does anything to actually lift their spirits. Whatever it may be, I keep trying because God knows we need to help each other out. Life is tough, life is painful. The best analgesic is being there for each other when the time comes.
People who need you to get over it
Another problem with pain is the constant fear of making others feel awkward. Whenever I begin to talk about it, people mostly respond with awkward silences, try to change the subject or even tell me to just toughen up and get over it (FYI - that's the last thing you should say). Then there is the fear of making those who are close to you feel bad because of how you are feeling. Most of the time, it's not their fault that you are down in the dumps but that doesn't prevent them from feeling that way.
I have also had people tell me that I have no right to feel down because there are people in this world who are doing much worse than me. While the latter is true, this is not how the world or the mind works. If you don't understand someone's pain, it's probably because there are a lot of things hidden beneath the surface that he/she hasn't told you yet. This sort of response will only make them close up more instead of talking about their problems.
I have gotten so used to these things by this point that I'm very good at covering up my pain. Most days, this is good enough. But some days are quite bleak. It was only when I talked to a friend few weeks back that I understood that hiding pain was not really the answer. He was someone comfortable enough to listen to my pain. And I talked for much longer than I ever did about the pain I carry around. It was such a relief to actually be able to talk about my problems instead of letting negative emotions build up in my head.
Finding meaning in life
Many of the friendships and bonds I made over the years were ones of convenience. It is convenient to go the movies, to go sight-seeing, to go out for a drink. But it is not convenient when your friend's life turns to shit. I realise now that it's not really their fault. I just expected too much. I've learnt these lessons the hard way.
The solution is not to turn antisocial. The solution is to figure out how to create meaningful, longlasting bonds in your life. In a world where everything has become digitalised, where we use captions and emojis to convey our feelings, it has become much harder than ever to separate the things that really matter from the things that don't.
"Do you think she can survive?"
"The prognosis is not very good at all," I replied.
I then learnt that the doctors treating her felt the same way. Her family decided she should spend her last moments at home instead of the ICU. It was a personal decision and a completely understandable one.
But I could tell that my acquaintance was not in a good place. I use the word acquaintance because I really didn't know this person very well, having had only a couple of conversations months back. But I still felt the urge to call and check up on him to see how he was doing. He wasn't good. But he was happy I called.
Responding to pain
Emotional pain is an extremely common problem. It's guaranteed that someone you're close to will go through it at some point in their lives. It's inevitable. Unfortunately, very very few know how to respond to another person in pain and so they either completely ignore the pain, hoping it would pass soon or distastefully tell them to get over it.
I thought of calling because I knew what that pain felt like. Just because someone's death wasn't unexpected doesn't mean it isn't going to be painful. My mother fought off cancer for over 5 years before she passed but that loss still hurt me immensely.
"Are you eating?" I asked a few days later.
"How'd you know I was not eating?"
"Because I know what you're going through right now."
And it was because I knew what it felt like that convinced me I should do something. I'm rarely smart enough to say the right things at the right time but what I've learnt about pain is that you don't need to be perfect. You need to ignore the inhibition/social awkwardness that comes with not knowing what to say. Even the simple act of trying to be there for someone in pain can mean a big deal. Your social awkwardness is less important than trying to mitigate someone else's pain. Admittedly, this not something I would have done 5 years ago.
When my father passed, vast majority of the people in my batch did not reach out. Even the ones that were close to me during college. I was pretty pissed off at first but now I realise that they probably just didn't want to deal with the awkwardness of it all.
Identifying pain
When you work as a doctor, you see people in pain all the time. Often, it's physical pain but emotional pain is not far behind. I've seen grief, depression and loneliness manifest is so many ways that I can pretty much tell within 30 seconds of a conversation. Some people are open about it, others aren't until you say that you get it. I'm not sure if I can tell because I'm trained to see the signs or because I have personal experience dealing with negative emotions.
It's difficult to make a meaningful difference in a few minutes. I try to be my best and most positive personality but have no idea if this does anything to actually lift their spirits. Whatever it may be, I keep trying because God knows we need to help each other out. Life is tough, life is painful. The best analgesic is being there for each other when the time comes.
People who need you to get over it
Another problem with pain is the constant fear of making others feel awkward. Whenever I begin to talk about it, people mostly respond with awkward silences, try to change the subject or even tell me to just toughen up and get over it (FYI - that's the last thing you should say). Then there is the fear of making those who are close to you feel bad because of how you are feeling. Most of the time, it's not their fault that you are down in the dumps but that doesn't prevent them from feeling that way.
I have also had people tell me that I have no right to feel down because there are people in this world who are doing much worse than me. While the latter is true, this is not how the world or the mind works. If you don't understand someone's pain, it's probably because there are a lot of things hidden beneath the surface that he/she hasn't told you yet. This sort of response will only make them close up more instead of talking about their problems.
I have gotten so used to these things by this point that I'm very good at covering up my pain. Most days, this is good enough. But some days are quite bleak. It was only when I talked to a friend few weeks back that I understood that hiding pain was not really the answer. He was someone comfortable enough to listen to my pain. And I talked for much longer than I ever did about the pain I carry around. It was such a relief to actually be able to talk about my problems instead of letting negative emotions build up in my head.
Finding meaning in life
Many of the friendships and bonds I made over the years were ones of convenience. It is convenient to go the movies, to go sight-seeing, to go out for a drink. But it is not convenient when your friend's life turns to shit. I realise now that it's not really their fault. I just expected too much. I've learnt these lessons the hard way.
The solution is not to turn antisocial. The solution is to figure out how to create meaningful, longlasting bonds in your life. In a world where everything has become digitalised, where we use captions and emojis to convey our feelings, it has become much harder than ever to separate the things that really matter from the things that don't.
Some good pieces of advice there. Thanks.
ReplyDelete