Unstable

Going back to work and meeting new people provides an opportunity to start anew. But as much as I like to pretend things are as normal as they used to be, there is still a voice in the back of my head telling me that too many bad things have happened for normalcy to resume. 

I can function alright most of the time. No one will think anything is amiss. But once in a while, I let slip the vulnerability that lies beneath the surface. The pain I carry with me all the time. But I never show that side of me for too long. No one wants to see that. I prefer to write because it's a non-invasive way of getting these things off my chest that won't make anyone feel particularly uncomfortable. 

During the past few months, I've had to deal with a mixture of palpitations, anxiety and loneliness. I guess it's just what happens when everyone you care about disappears from your life one by one and various nefarious elements swoop in to destroy your self-esteem. 

I went to see a professional a few months back after being talked into it by a well-meaning friend. I was told there was nothing wrong with me and that all my negative emotions were down to the bad circumstances in my life. This was a relief at the time because I really didn't want to take meds to feel better. But months later, things are not really looking up. 

I've always been a hard-worker but of late, I feel as though I'm working hard in order to feel wanted, to find a sense of belonging. I'm slowly realising this is not healthy and will only lead to more problems down the road. Working hard is good but only as long as it isn't some misguided cry for help. Especially in a profession where burnout is such a huge risk. 

I just want to feel happier somehow. I no longer am sure how that is supposed to happen. Obviously the lockdowns haven't helped me in this regard but I'm not sure how much of a difference having full freedom would have made the past few months. They are many goals I have in life but something as abstract as happiness is what continues to elude me. I'm not sure how that is supposed to happen now. 

I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me though. Most of the time, it is unavoidable because even basic questions about my life lead to depressing answers (lying maybe a solution but is just too much effort for me). I don't want to exude negativity. Whatever little happiness I feel these days is when I help others. Maybe that will be my niche. But until I can something better out of those ideals, I will continue to feel unstable. 

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