Alternate Endings

A friend recently told me that I tend to exaggerate the bad things that have happened to me over the years. 

"We all have problems. There is nothing special about what you're dealing with," I was told. 

Beyond the crudeness of that statement, there is an undeniable truth to it. In many ways, my life has been privileged and I have never had to deal with the horrible struggles many in war-torn regions across the world go through each day. 

But the way the mind works, it is not going to find solace in things like that. "Well my life isn't as bad as that guy there so it's all good," is not the way anyone (except maybe a psychopath) thinks. Our pain means the most to us and us alone. It is futile to try and compare it to someone else. These are not quantifiable entities. 

After recently turning 27, I've realised that over the past 5 years or so, I've never really had a chance at a stable, happy existence. 

Alternate Ending 1

Sometimes the truth just isn't good enough. Unfortunately, unlike story-writers, we cannot simply go back and change the course of fate because we don't like it. I can only sit here and wonder what might have been. 

What if my mother had a form of cancer that was easier to detect earlier? She could have been cured the first time around and not relapsed 5 years later. She could have have watched me graduate MBBS. After all, the only reason I went into medicine at all was because of her. 

I'd have actually been able to attend our graduation ceremony in that case. I wouldn't have been forced to watch from the sidelines as my batchmates graduated because I had no money with me at all after my father's stroke. 

We would have been better able to take care of my father with her support. I wouldn't have been forced to take help from people bereft of good intentions. And the whole issue with our house would have had a more amicable solution. 

With her support, I wouldn't have become alone and vulnerable to bad relationship decisions. I wouldn't have been prone to be on the receiving end of physical and mental abuse from others. 

I would have probably got into residency a good 2 years earlier with her support. She could have seen her son go to AIIMS and known that all the years of hardship balancing work and taking care of me was actually worth it in the end. 

Alternate Ending 2

In a parallel universe, my father's stroke wasn't so large. The clot in his internal carotid artery wouldn't be so severe that almost half his brain got damaged. He'd only have minor motor deficits and wouldn't need a craniectomy (an operation to open part of one's skull). He would never have gone into dementia. 

That would have meant I'd have a better chance at helping him recover. And I could also ask for his advice whenever I felt lost in life. 

Moreover, having him mentally completely intact would have helped to maintain his standing in the family. This would have prevented some of the tragedies to follow. All those close to him in the family wouldn't abandon him because he became bedridden and confused. 

My father would have also had the opportunity to watch me grow into where I am today, which would have undoubtedly made him proud. But this also wasn't to be. 

Alternate Ending 3

Even without either of the above, a lot of pain could have been avoided with one simple change of fate - my parents would have told me that the house we lived in for the past 2 decades was not in our name. 

This would have allowed me to prepare for the inevitable - to maintain a sense of dignity while being forced to leave. I would have had the time to figure out a new place to stay that I could actually afford. I would not have allowed my relatives to barge in and verbally abuse my bedridden father while I was away at work. 

I would not have had to hear and see the pain my father felt when he was being forced out of his home. I would not have had to watch his health deteriorate shortly after he was forced out. 

I would also not become a mentally scarred individual for life. Something that would affect all my friendships and relations since then. I would not be cursed with the inability to trust or open up to any other human being. I would not have to feel guilty for making my friends feel uncomfortable every time I try to share my grief. 

Happiness is a Nice Dream

I don't and have never wished for a life without sorrow, without pain. That's not how these things work. Inevitably, things and people will come to our lives only to wreck our peace of mind. 

What bothers me is how I feel I never really had the chance to feel happiness as well. Almost everything I used to enjoy in life, I sacrificed for the greater good only to have everything taken from me by things I could never control. 

Everytime I get the allusion of stability, that happiness could be close by, I get hurt once more. I'm tired of all the bad memories, trust issues and chronic pain. I'm just not sure when things will truly get better for me, or if that will ever happen.  

Comments

  1. Nilkane oru swakaryam parayanundu28 January 2022 at 16:45

    Many times grief and happiness stay at different places and meet us in different times, the turn of grief has ended in your life and it’s happiness now who will be with you, never lose faith in others, there are people who CAN understand the depth and severity of your hurt, you will meet them soon, for sure.

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