Don't Believe in Magic

90% of me is a realist. I see the world for what it is. Billions live in suffering that the privileged choose to ignore. Good things aren't meant to happen to good people. Bad things aren't destined for bad people. The older you get, the more you understand just how inadequate life feels. 

But as much as I'd much rather not admit, there is still a good 10% inside me that believes that there is some magic in this world. That somehow, even through the shittiest of times, there is something better waiting for us somewhere. And it is this idealistic optimism that ultimately brings us down to the lowest of lows. 

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

There are some days in your life that are so unbearably awful that you'll never forget them. The days my parents died are right up there but this day somehow managed to be even worse. 

After months of people torturing me, I had officially hit rock bottom. What exactly that rock bottom was is a story for another day, but let's just say I had no business coming for duty that day. I had to take some injections just to feel well enough to work. 

At that point of my life, I would want to go to work as much as possible. I'd take extra duties with glee if I could. What I did at work was often the only thing in my life back then that I felt I could actually control, as sad as that sounds. I'd actually burnt myself out long before I even got into a post-graduate course. 

It was on that day, probably the darkest of my life, that I met her for the first time. It was a long time ago but back then, I was still capable of starting seamless conversations even with someone as inherently shy as her. I'm sure neither of us must have thought much about it at the time but as the years passed, I gave more and more importance to that day. As I went back home that day, I somehow felt my mood improve. 

I can't say we particularly got to know each other that well in the one month that we worked together. But she did have the most expressive of eyes. The day she was leaving the place, she gave me a look that suggested she'd miss me. The same eyes that years later would reveal to me that she was lying. 

Getting to Know Each Other 

Looking back now, I wish that look was that and we'd both gone our separate ways for good. But that wasn't what fate had in store for us. 

I don't think either of us really planned on becoming close. One day we started exchanging messages. Then she invited me out with her friends so I didn't have to spend Christmas alone. When we were saying our goodbyes that night, she gave me a handshake goodbye and then held my hand with both of hers for an extra 10 seconds that kinda weirded me out. Safe to say, I had more than enough trust issues to want to avoid getting too close to anyone at that point. 

But we did get close after that. Living alone in 2020 during the initial lockdown wasn't exactly easy and I was eager to hang on to any meaningful friendship I could find. I found her comfortable to talk to. Eventually, I'd shared everything there was to know about me, including the not so pleasant things. Our friendship remained the same and I felt as though she'd accepted the darkness in my past. Now I realise that she just pretended none of that really happened (I wish it were just as easy for me). 

It's right to say that even at this point, I wasn't really thinking of us as more than just friends. So when she called one day crying about a chance meeting with her ex that ignited old memories, I didn't really think much about it (*red flag bro*). 

We were in different districts and had only met a handful of times that year. I remember she video-called me later in the year. I don't recall the random things we talked about but I do remember her eyes. Those expressive eyes that showed that she was incredibly happy to see me again. No one had ever looked at me like that in my life. And that was when I felt it for the first time - magic. 

More Than Friends

Don't get me wrong, I'm far too cynical a person to let one moment of magic make me go crazy. My trust issues don't disappear that easily. We continued being just friends, even though she was giving hints. 

Her parents started a matrimonial page for her. She told me one day that she keeps imagining seeing my face on several of the profiles she'd see. She'd tell me in a few months time that this was supposed to be a hint but friends, I'm nowhere near as smart as you might think I am. 

It was the next year when she visited Trivandrum for a friend's wedding that we saw each other in person. Because of Covid, it was the first time we'd met in an incredibly long time. And despite the trepidation caused by my trust issues, it didn't take long for us to admit our feelings for each other. She told me she felt I was her soul-mate. After that, we officially went from friendship to a relationship. 

It wasn't really planned, it just happened. Like a jigsaw falling into place. It felt like the real deal. It felt like magic. And I truly fell head over heels for her. When we said goodbye a week later at the bus-stop, it felt soul-crushing to say goodbye. And she could barely hide the tears. 

For some reason, I felt that this was destiny somehow. Recalling the very day that we met, I thought fate had brought us together for a reason. After all, people did tell me I deserved a break in life by this point. This had to be it, I thought. 

Exactly a year after that day at the bus-stop, it would all be over though. 

Red Flags and How Not to Deal with Them

By comparison to my first relationship, which by all accounts was a toxic mess, this one felt perfect while it lasted. It always seemed like we got along. But that was kind of the problem. 

Ever since we had become friends way back when she first invited me out with her friends, she had (by her own admission) been careful with how she behaved around me. She knew I was damaged and would always be careful how she spoke because she never wanted to hurt me. I tried to convince her to be herself but she never truly allowed herself to be. And this is probably why we barely had any fights at all. It was smooth-sailing. Too smooth to last. 

There were issues, probably the biggest being that we were from different religions. Her family were nice people but when her mom called me to ask if I'd change not only my religion but also my caste, I refused. Agnostic as I may be, I wasn't about turn my back on Hinduism like that. It wouldn't be what my parents would want. She accepted this back then. But the issues with her family never truly got resolved before I left for Delhi. 

Our long distance relationship continued and I was happy for a few months despite living outside Kerala for the first time in my life. I saw my future with her and only her. And she did too with me, since she studied like hell to come here as well. But somewhere along the line, things started to change. 

She asked me one day if I was okay with her texting her ex again. Now, my philosophy regarding these issues is simple. I don't believe in controlling anyone or making them do things they don't want to. I want them to have the same freedoms as I'd like (I'm not texting my 1st ex ever again but that's another story). So I didn't even give a second thought when she asked me this. I trusted her. I had no reason not to trust her. I don't regret doing this but that trust would not go unbroken. 

Not Even Friends

Long story short, all 3 of us ended up in the same place (I guess this was fate too). Once she came to Delhi, I thought it'd be the beginning of our happily ever after. Well, it lasted about 2 weeks. 

Something somehow didn't quite click between us I guess. At least she felt so. Perhaps I didn't show as much affection as she'd expected. I was busy with work and was also suffering from food poisoning. The day after she'd come here, I'd already promised a friend from school I'd go with him to Taj Mahal and I really didn't want to cancel on him after his emotional blackmailing. 

It was at this perfect moment that she started reconnecting with her ex. I had no issue with it at first. I trusted her like anything. But slowly, I got bad vibes. It felt especially off when her roommate called me by his name. But I still didn't say anything. I felt it would be wrong to start a needless fight while she was still adjusting to a new place. And I was also under the impression that her ex was still in a relationship with someone else (*epic facepalm moment*). 

Then one day when I met her, I sensed something was wrong. It was in her eyes. I don't know if it was her hiding something or because she was feeling guilty, but something was definitely wrong. After a lot of poking, she finally admitted that he told her he still had feelings and that she was now confused about what she wanted. 

"How would you feel if your ex came back to you?" she asked. 

The answer to that question would be that I'd probably like to jump off the roof somewhere but that's not the point. It suddenly dawned on me that

 1. She didn't maintain the boundaries I had trusted her to keep. 

 2. She never really understood the things I'd gone through. She just sort of pretended they didn't happen. 

On that night, the same eyes that I fell in love with told me that our days were numbered. It was heartbreaking. 

I honestly wouldn't have had much to complain about if she'd been honest and left me for him directly. But that isn't really what happened. There were a couple of weeks where she refused to choose between us. Now, that's really not fair on the guy who thought he was in a serious relationship up until then. So I, after a lot of soul-searching, decided to end it. 

And that breakup lasted a massive 3 days. For me, anyway. Seeing her tears and her admitting her mistake on the day I told her I wanted to end things made me think we somehow still had a chance. That was until she decided to go out with him to this fucking movie the only day in the week she got off duty early. Once it was over, she never wanted to go back. 

And in the months since, I've had to learn to accept that fact. We've barely talked for months. From denial to anger to bargaining to depression to wherever the fuck I am now, I'm still moving on. Somehow. 

Magic Doesn't Exist

It's kinda amazing how we attribute qualities to the ones we get feelings for. It turns out the day we met wasn't destiny after all. Perhaps it was just having any sort of conversation when I was rock-bottom that improved my mood, not necessarily the person I had it with. 

It's likely the same with her. I guess I just wasn't the guy she thought I'd turn out to be in the long run. And that's still painful to think about. 

Sometimes a love story, no matter how magical it felt at times, is not meant to last. There are many things we can and have to adjust to make love work out but when something like trust goes for a toss, there is no going back to the way things were. 

I don't want to believe in magic anymore but this story is a reminder of the times that I did feel it once. And it felt damn real for a while.