A Mirror Into Your Soul

Recently one of my friends told me how no one would ever want their name in my blog's hall of shame (yes, I rant a lot). I had to correct her by saying that all of the names I mention here are changed. And I make sure to change just enough details so that these people are not going to be easily identified in real life. Some of them may have hurt me but I'm not one to *publically* defame them in any way. I used to mention this at the start of each blog once upon a time but eventually I just got lazy and assumed most people would figure out that names such as Aunt May and Professor Highpants are clearly not real. 

One of the things I've tried to be over the years is to be the kind of friend that helps people become better versions of themselves. To help them when they most need it and least expect it. This was perhaps a way of compensating for the thing I've not had in the past 6 years. People who've been close to me in this time have slowly destroyed the pleasant parts of my soul until the only thing left inside is anger and sadness. I don't want people to become what I've become. If I can help it. 

And you know, sometimes I do manage to do that. I help people believe in themselves and they go on to reach bigger and better things in life. Sometimes I help guide someone through unpleasant times (I've had my share). I never expect anything in return. Them getting to a better place in life is the only reward I really need. 

But there was one time when I couldn't help someone. This person's sorrow was just too close to my own. It was like looking into a mirror. 

Your Everyday Guy

David was a couple of years my junior. He was your everyday guy. He came from a relatively poor background and was always trying to pay off education loans for most of the time I've known him. He was one of the conservative, reserved type of individuals. I suspected this was often more by way of circumstance than choice. 

David's household was not a happy place. The toxicity from his parents was always something he wanted to get far far away from. He got married when he was still in final year of MBBS, against his parents' wishes. He knew from that day on that he'd never be allowed back home. He was on his own. 

David's wife was not from a medical background. She worked in a bank. How they met and fell in love was a story that I never really found out. I'm not the kind of person to bother with that kind of gossip. But I could see early on that their marriage was going to have problems. 

David's decision to get married was more down to him wanting to get out of his toxic household than to do with having some perfect storybook romance. Every relationship has a honeymoon period before the real problems start. Unfortunately, David decided to get married before he truly understood what kind of problems could occur. 

The Best You Have Is Not Enough

Every toxic relationship was good at some point. It's that illusion that blinds people to keep on believing that things will somehow get better. The one on the receiving end is usually the last person to notice the red flags. 

When David used to talk about his wife to me when he was an intern, I could see the problems. She was controlling, in an unhealthy kind of way. He had little freedom in his life but the hectic nature of internship made sure most of the problems could be conveniently ignored for the time being. I noticed what was happening but no one wants to be the person to say that perhaps the relationship with your spouse isn't the healthiest? It wasn't my business and he wouldn't have cared about my opinion at that point. 

So their marriage motored on somehow. There were fights. They'd stay apart for a while before eventually moving back together. That cycle would go on for a long time. Until one day it became bitterly clear that they could no longer go on lying to themselves. 

Everything Bad Happens When You Don't Trust Your Instincts

You can be denial about a relationship for a long time. But when someone decides to cheat, there really is no coming back from it. 

And with David's wife, it was far from a one time thing or a one person thing when it came to her extramarital affairs. It had been going on for a long time without his knowledge. He finally got wind of it once he started finding other guys stuff with her and called a few of them to find out what was really going on when he wasn't around. 

Needless to say, he was absolutely devastated. He sacrificed everything at home for this marriage and it just spat on his face in the end. I was one of the first few people he told about this too. I was at first not sure why this happened because while I was a sort of big brother figure for him, we were never really that close. That was when I began to understand that all his former college roommates had moved on in their lives, leaving him even more isolated to make things just that much worse. 

Divorce Is Ugly

Divorce is an ugly and drawn out process. But David finally had clarity in what he wanted. He wanted out. 

The only good thing about their 3 years or so of marriage was that they hadn't decided to have kids yet which would've obviously made things much much worse. 

Things were still bad for poor David though. He had to go back home permanently. And if you thought his parents were toxic before, they'd taken it to a brand new level once he came back from this experience. 

He was still trying to pay off education loans and now had to deal with legal fees as well. And with Covid around, it was not easy to get good government jobs in his area. When I left my last government post in Kerala, I recommended to my boss that David would be the perfect person to take over from me so that there wouldn't be any vacuum after I left. 

I'd so wanted him to get that job to help him just get back on his feet somehow. But the powers that be just were no longer interested in hiring and it wasn't like a nobody like me had any real hope of influencing anyone. But I did try. 

David found some part time jobs here and there to make ends meet while trying to attend online coaching to get into a postgraduate residency programme. 

And then I moved to Delhi to start residency. 

Looking Into Your Own Soul

A few months back, I'd gone back to Trivandrum for a few days. I made it a point to make sure I visit David while I was there, even if it meant taking a 35km journey to reach his place. 

Going back to Trivandrum is not an easy process for me nowadays and that trip in particular had me feeling as close to rockbottom as I'd felt in a longtime. So perhaps it was not the best moment to go try to cheer someone up. 

When I saw David, I could immediately see that he was not at all in a good place. He had shaved his head bald. He face was that of a defeated man who didn't know how to pick himself up. 

I think we must have spoke for 45 minutes or so. What we spoke of was fairly immaterial. But talking to him that day felt like staring into the abyss that had become my soul. I could understand perfectly what he was going through and where he had found himself in life. Our stories were different but the pain we felt inside was the same. We did try to cheer each other up but failed as miserably as one would expect from two people who could barely imagine worse times than what they found themselves in. 

When I was going home that day, I felt like I had failed. Not just because I couldn't really help David but also because I really didn't know how to help myself back up. 

Rockbottom Is Temporary

Slowly, I managed to find my own way out of the slump I found myself in. As I always manage to do. Somehow. And sometimes I still manage to bring some brightness into other people's lives. 

6 months later I visited Trivandrum again, this time it was David who came to visit me. He was doing better for himself compared to where he was last time. Which was good to see. He still wants to desperately get far away from home again. This time, he sees a postgraduate course as his ticket out of there. And once again, I didn't quite feel like telling him not to make rash decisions once more. 

People who have gone through as much David and I have miles more to travel before we can be truly happy.