Lost and Found




In the past year, I've received all sorts of advice from friends and well-wishers on how to improve my mood. How to achieve happiness. 

"Hit the gym."

"Buy a guitar."

"Watch a movie."

"Get invested in work."

"Get in a new relationship."

"See a therapist."

And the all-time classic of them all -

"Just be happy."

What most of these well-meaning individuals don't understand is that I've already tried most of these mood-improving tricks over the years and whatever good they do is really only temporary at best. Finding happiness in life is not easy. 

But recently, I've found myself feeling better. Less tired. Less angry. More in control of myself. 

So, what happened?

Victim of the Past

Ever since I was a little kid, I've always felt like I was a couple of years older than my actual age.  

My mother had decided to change career paths when I was in 2nd or 3rd standard and at that point my father was in hiding because of some loans he was unable to pay back (not his proudest few years). 

So I was alone at home most of the time with only an elderly but sweet old maid for company. We were a family on paper but broken into pieces on the inside. And that had a big role in me becoming introverted by nature. None of the kids around me obviously had any idea of the background I was coming from and I was never the most popular person in class. 

Once I got to college, I actively tried to grow out of this shell I made for myself. But this had the effect of causing problems at home. Parents with an only child prefer their kid to be reserved and at home all the time. It's their way of keeping their kid safe. But that type of parenting will eventually lead to resentment. 

I had changed with college but I'm not sure if that it was for the better. I was still naive as ever. After using more social media over the years, I'd probably become dumber too overall. 

An Indian Redemption Story

Losing both parents in the space of a few years was heartbreaking, to put it mildly. Those few years took away many things I'd enjoyed in life. I'd put it all aside while taking care of my father. And I never really got back into them. 

I just focussed myself on my career and trying to advance myself. I had a few people I wanted to prove wrong. I believed in myself. And I got into AIIMS, New Delhi. 

I was seen as the perfect example of an Indian kid fighting against adversity. UG in a medical college not well known even in the district. Lost both parents. Volunteered for Covid. And after all that, I still scratched and clawed my way into one of India's top colleges. 

It's a nice story. But life is not a fairytale. There is no such thing as a happily ever after. Your traumas do not leave you just because you're good at multiple choice questions. They are always lurking, waiting for the chance to come back to prominence once again. 

Slowly Losing Friends 

All new friendships I've made over the years have tended to have the same overall pattern. 

Person is impressed either by my superficial accomplishments or the way I talk (when I'm in a good mood anyway). 

I feel close enough to start sharing very small parts of my traumatic past. 

Person realises that I'm not as perfect as they imagined. I'm actually quite damaged inside. And not many fancy being around damaged that much. 

So what usually happens is that this person goes from friend to acquaintance and I get hurt by this sometimes more than I should. 

Rarely, the person will either pretend that I never experienced any trauma at all or will try to *fix* my issues somehow in someway that ends up feeling kinda suffocating. 

So you can see why I have a very pessimistic view on forming meaningful connections with people these days. 

So What Changed Now?

My job in the ED often has me giving out bad news. Even when we resuscitate a patient well, we rarely have the satisfaction of seeing the patients to discharge. 

One day a patient came to the ED for a fairly trivial reason. He thought he was dying. But he wasn't. I reassured him. And he was very grateful. 

For some reason, that simple incident gave me joy. A good feeling inside. It reminded me that I could still make people's lives better, even if it's just a little bit. And perhaps more importantly, I learnt that I could still find joy in small things. 

I've started realising that I can still feel good emotions if I allow them to be felt. When we're not in a good place, we tend to prevent ourselves from getting such positive feelings. 

I need to start enjoying things in life without people. People in my life tend to be disappointing but life as a whole doesn't need to be. There are still good things out there, somewhere. 

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