Realities of Being Broke

 

There's a passage in Eminem's *Mockingbird* that has always stuck with me. 

"I remember back one year when daddy had no money

Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up

And stuck 'em under the tree and said some of 'em were from me

Cuz daddy couldn't buy 'em

I'll never forget that Christmas I sat up the whole night crying."

The lyrics hit different when you've gone through the exact same thing. When you are supposed to be the main provider for your family and fate simply does not allow you to perform that role in the way you'd like, it's the shittiest feeling in the world. 

That feeling is made worse when you're a doctor because society expects you to be free from financial problems as soon as you finish MBBS (unfortunately that's not how it works for some). 

These are 4 different stories from my past where I truly felt the pain and shame of being broke. Such days always stay with you. 

1. Food

In the first 6 months of my internship, I was only paid for 1 month. Stipends were delayed. After 6 months, I had simply run out of money. 

My father was in the hospital then while my bank balance had sunk into the negative (HDFC requires you maintain a minimum of 10k otherwise they fine you). 

One day, I woke up and found that I simply had no money to even feed myself. 

It was embarassing to say the least. These things were not under my control by any means but it felt shameful to tell anyone that I had no money for food. 

I ended up having to go to a nearby relative and hoping they'd offer me some kind of food out of courtesy. Thankfully they did that day. 

Simply because of a lack of money to travel or cover daily expenses I had to take leave from internship for a month after that. It was during a rural posting. Travelling long distances was simply not feasible. 

Months later, once all my batchmates had passed out, I still remained with extension as a result. 

 2. Convocation

Convocations being postponed or even cancelled are far from a rare occurence after 2020 but it wasn't the case in 2018. 

Convocation in my college cost around Rs 50,000. Money that I simply didn't have at that point and there was no way I would be able to arrange it. 

When you're broke, you cut down on all things which are not *absolutely essential*. New clothes? Not needed. Going out? Not needed. Convocation? Again, not essential. 

It was a rational choice and I had no second thoughts about it at the time. But spending that particular day on 24 hr duty in casualty at the college while all my batchmates were convocating was a special type of pain. 

In the future, I'd use this as motivation during studying to make sure that wasn't my last chance at a convocation. But UG convocation was something I was never able to do. 

3. The Chair

In 2019, taking care of my bedridden father cost about 35k per month. That included salaries for the home nurse, the maid, the cost of medicines and other travel expenses. 

So it didn't help that I was paid on time for only 2 months out of 12. I was initially working at my UG college for the first few months. Once they decided to cut costs, they decided to stop paying me. I was paid just 1 out of the first 5 months of the year. I had to make things work somehow by working at 3-4 other hospitals during my spare time. 

I then landed a government job on an ad-hoc basis. I thought I'd finally have a stable income but this was again not to be. Due to the clerk at that particular hospital being completely incompetent at his job, it wouldn't be until December of the year that I'd finally be paid something for months of work. 

By August, we were thrown out of our old home by Aunt May and forced into a flat costing an additional 17k per month that I was in no position to afford. 

So around October, I was completely screwed. See, there is nothing I like less than asking people for handouts when it comes to money. But I had no other choice here. I had taken loans from 2 of my close friends and my girlfriend at the time simply to pay the bills for the month. When my father had to be hospitalized after a fall, some of my relatives chipped in but my bank balance was always in the minimum. 

It was then that I resorted to selling furniture through OLX. It made no sense at that point to keep so many chairs in the house when we were broke anyway. 

The day a guy who wanted to buy a chair came, Aunt May somehow got information about what I was doing and told the security at the flat to stop anyone from taking any furniture out. 

It was beyond embarassing by that point. I had to argue with her by phone to finally allow the sale. It was a chair that was in our home, not hers, for more than 2 decades. But even then, she claimed her right over it. A fucking chair. 

I didn't get much for the chair either. But by that point, I was ready to take anything. Every small bit of cash was precious. 

4. The Funeral

My father passed away in December. There was no real place to hold his funeral. Our old home was gone. The flat we were forced into had nothing but bad memories and it would be very weird to hold it there. 

At the suggestion of my relatives, I agreed to hold the funeral at one of their homes and they'd help look after the costs. It wasn't like I had much of a choice by then, did I? I had barely been able to find the money for the hospital ICU expenses. 

Coincidentally, an elderly lady at the same house had recently passed few days prior. I had attended that funeral too. 

I still remember the invitation cards for both funerals. The one for the old lady was clearly much more expensive than my father's. It was symbolic of what my father was to the family in general. An afterthought. 

And how could I complain? How could I say anything? It was a bitter truth that after years of sacrifices and running around trying to make ends meet, I had simply failed in my job of being the provider of my small family. 

Money Means Nothing Without Family

Nowadays, I don't have any money problems. I never spent much on myself for years and that habit is not something that suddenly changes. I've not had any financial troubles since 2020. 

But this provides absolutely no consolation. When the time was there for me to be the provider for the one I cared about the most, I failed. 

And that pain will always stay with you.