2 sides of the same coin

"You're a whimp," said Arun. 

It was the day my father died. After the funeral rituals were done with, I'd returned home. There were a couple of friends and relatives who decided to stop by. Most of them were drowning their sorrow in a bottle. 

"You need to do something," he said. 

Arun was a family friend you could say. He was basically trying to motivate me to take Aunt May to court. To make sure she is made accountable for her misdeeds over the past year leading upto my father's death. 

Things aren't really that simple though. Court cases will be long, drawn out and hard on the bank balance. And who really wins in the end, other than the lawyers? Sure, I could make Aunt May's life miserable for a while by freezing some assets (and she did do some things which were not exactly legal) but it wasn't going to bring my father back. 

Forgiveness and revenge are 2 sides of the same coin. A coin you toss in search of closure. To find a way to hopefully move on with your life. When you find yourself in such situations in life, you'll find advocates for both sides whispering in your ear. 

Primal Instincts

Arun is someone who follows the "You hurt me, I hurt you back harder," approach to life which sounds great until you realise he has more than 40 (which was when I lost count) police cases against him. His upbringing was such that he is never far away from another run in with the law. 

There is another side to him though. A touch of kindness and innocence which made him a close family friend to my father after his stroke. This is why he was so pissed off (and drunk) that night. 

There were other relatives there too. Also drunk, sad and pissed off. Considering that was the day I lost the last of the two most important people in my life, I was fairly mature. I knew the end was near when he got admitted 2 weeks earlier. I held my emotions and put on a strong face during the funeral (I wasn't about to show weakness in front of certain people there). And I didn't get into some drunken, self-destructive phase that night. 

I considered what Arun was saying then but I still hadn't made me mind up. 

Family is always family

Dr Ben is someone who has always been a source of guidance for me the past 5 years. He's always supportive and kind but doesn't shy away from telling me difficult things when he has to (he told me to prepare for the worst when my father got admitted for the last time).

Dr Ben doesn't agree with what Aunt May has done over the years. But he has always reminded me that she is family, whether I like it or not. And any family feud I start now could last years, generations even, with no one winning in the end. 

This is the problem with revenge. While our basic instinct is to lash out while we're hurt, you're basically giving the other person an excuse to lash back even harder. And they tend to be much better and more experienced at shit behaviour than you. 

Letting go is not about them

Of course, I still haven't forgiven anyone who hurt my father in his last few months. I can forgive people who hurt me, but not those who chose to destroy the peace of mind of a bedridden person with dementia. They're still too shameless to offer an apology all these years later. 

But that doesn't mean I need to hold on to that anger all the time. Closure is not something that you can realistically derive from other people. It's what you get when you yourself comes to terms with what happened. 

It is possible to not forgive someone while at the same time letting go of the hurt that plagues your peace of mind. It's not easy and it most certainly won't happen quickly, but it's what needs to happen for your life to move on. 

Karma

The thing about people who hurt you is that they'll probably continue to hurt others. And that's never going to be sustainable in life without consequences for long. It's likely that they'll get what they deserve eventually (it might take a few years though), even if it isn't exactly the way we'd like it to happen. 

We don't have to wait for that moment to happen in order to move on with our lives. As hard as it is to see sometimes, there's more to us than just our traumas. 

Comments

  1. Nidhi K20 April 2022 at 03:50

    Coming from you, (given the kind of hell that life has put you through) - helps all the more, to let go

    ReplyDelete

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