Lessons from Heartbreak City

I've been writing this blog for a long time now (since 2018 actually, which sounds incredible even to me) but I've stayed clear of posting about certain aspects of my life. And for good reason. 

I haven't posted anything about my (failed) romantic relationships for several reasons. Firstly, I generally prefer to keep most of these issues private. Secondly, a lot of this can become "he said vs she said" and I'd probably be an unreliable narrator. Thirdly, I usually hide the identities of the people I write about in this blog so they won't be identified in real life but that becomes kinda difficult in this scenario. And lastly, some of this shit is just plain hard to talk about. 

But as much as I'd like to pretend it wasn't the case, my relationship issues do have a space in my hall of pain over the past 6 years or so. 

Welcome to Heartbreak City

It's likely that most people will experience heartbreak at some point in their lives and that's ok. These are things that no one can really prepare you for. The difficult part is accepting your losses quickly and moving on with the rest of your life. 

One can't really expect any sort of karma in these situations. Any closure will have to come from yourself, not from the other person. You won't get any of the care & affection, the money or the time spent back. And the longer you expect some sort of justice after a relationship ends, the longer you'll wait to move on. 

I guess 2 failed relationships by the age of 27 doesn't sound like a lot in this day and age but with all the other crazy shit that has happened to me in the same time period, I don't really know where my life will go next. I have way more relationship expertise now than I ever really wanted to know. Here are some of the lessons I've learnt over the years (don't expect this to be in chronological order with regards to my past). 

 1. The only solution to a toxic relationship is to get out of it. 

 2. Anyone can change themselves for the better but don't stay in a relationship expecting someone to do a complete 360 on who they are. 

 3. All romantic relationships were likely great at one point of time. But that alone doesn't mean it'll last forever. 

 4. All relationships will seem great in the first 6 months. Try not to get married during this time. 

 5. You'll learn how strong your relationship is when it gets strained (all relations get strained by life eventually). Good ones get stronger while others will fall apart. 

 6. It only takes one conversation to fall in love with someone. Falling out of love on the other hand is a slow and horrendously painful process. 

 7. Breaking up is not hard. Staying broken up on the other hard is the real challenge. 

 8. The best time to get out of a bad relationship was yesterday. 

 9. If you sense your partner is cheating on you with someone else, it's best to have a serious conversation now. Don't allow things to drift and hope your instincts were wrong. 

10. There are a lot of things that you'll have to compromise on to maintain a healthy relationship but trust isn't one of them. Once that is broken, there is no going back, no matter how much you still love that person. 

11. Sometimes you just have to accept that someone who loved you once upon a time just doesn't anymore. And yeah, it sucks but pretending that there's still hope will hurt more. 

12. Don't compare your relationship with someone else's. 

13. Both people have to adjust equally in order to maintain a good relationship. If only one person is doing all the adjusting, it's not healthy. 

14. We all deserve someone who actually chose us and wants to be with us. It's likely that the perfect person is not the one who can't figure out whether to choose you or someone else. 

15. Being alone sucks (especially in my case). But it's still better than being with the wrong person. 

16. Don't try to "check if they're ok" after a breakup. It's likely that their heart & lungs will continue to function without you. 

17. How they treat their parents at home is a good predictor of how they'll treat you. Read the warning signs before it's too late. 

18. You can't be "just friends" with someone you're still in love with.

19. Don't expect them to be honest about the relationship to others after the breakup. 

20. Just because someone treats you like crap doesn't mean you need to do the same to them. Love & hate is easy. Kindness is difficult. 

Hindsight Vision is Always Perfect

It's easy for me to sit here right now and say that I should have never been in these relationships at all. But it doesn't really work that way. 

On both occasions, I had known the person for years before we'd gotten into relationship so it wasn't like I was jumping into the complete unknown. Sometimes you just can't tell beforehand what will happen. People behave differently with you before and after starting a relationship. You can probably guess now why I have pretty major trust issues these days. 

There were red flags of course but we tend to ignore them until we're in too deep. Especially in my case because I'm the kind of person who always hope and believes in the best in people. This often leaves me prone to all types of betrayal. And while I continue to try, I'm not sure if I can completely change that part of me. 

Maybe it wasn't Love? 

One of my problems that I can't do much about is the crap I've been through in the past. I can pretend it didn't happen only as long as the next bad flashback. I can't really form any meaningful bond with someone without bringing it up eventually. 

The problem then becomes that she will feel sorry for me. And that's kind of different from love, which is something that both I and her might be blind to for a long-time. 

The thing is, I am not just the bad things that have happened to me over the past 6 years. There's more to me than that. 

No one can actually fix the bad that has happened before. I'll just have to live with it. I don't want to be someone's "responsibility" so that I don't feel shit. 

Vulnerability

There is no question that being alone sucks. Especially with my background. And that's my biggest weakness right now. 

Loneliness breeds vulnerability. We continue to seek quick solutions, temporary solutions, any fucking solution to keep our minds from treading back into the dark side. And that probably means more bad relationship decisions in the future. 

While this self-awareness is great, it's not always enough to prevent these mistakes from happening. 

Comments

  1. Nidhi K1 June 2022 at 01:05

    20 commandments of heartbreak...very well written Sir ! And every single one of them hits home. Looking forward to your next blog.

    ReplyDelete

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