The Biggest Loser

My family (at least my father's side) has been destroyed over the years by this habit of loaning more money that one could practically pay back. It had lead to my father selling my mother's ornaments early into their marriage which was something my mother understandably never quite got over. 

Growing up, I'd basically promised myself that I was never going to be like that. There was nothing I disliked more than having to ask someone for financial help. But sometimes life circumstances don't always allow us to stick firmly to our principles. 

An Abrupt Transition 

Trying to take care of loved ones when you're struggling to make money is extremely challenging and painful. And in my case, the transition to being the main provider of the house was abrupt. I did not have the maturity to deal with those issues as well as I'd have liked in hindsight. 

My father had a massive stroke just before I was about to start internship and eventually had a hemicraniectomy (he had part of his skull removed to relieve pressure buildup in his head following the stroke). He became bedridden due to hemiplegia (half of his body was paralysed) and had a degree of dementia for the rest of his days. I still remember seeing him in the hospital in those first few days. Initially he didn't even recognise who I, his only child, was. There aren't really any words to adequately describe how distraught I was at that timd.  

He did slowly get some of his memory back over the next few months but he was never really the same, despite what some of my relatives would've hoped to believe. My father was always a reserved person who kept to himself (guess where I got that from) but after his stroke, he became very emotionally labile and child-like. So it wasn't just about him being bedridden, I'd also lost any hope at having some guidance on what to do in difficult times. 

My mother had also passed scarcely 1 year prior. I could barely look back on her death on that first anniversary because I was juggling internship and running to my father's hospital most of the time. And yes, I did have a lot of help during that difficult time. Unfortunately, it just wasn't something that would get fixed quickly. Eventually, the help starts to fade and you have to deal with things on your own. 

My parents never adequately prepared for a scenario where I'd suddenly be on my own like this. I was dismayed once I found out my father had literally 0 savings. Obviously I was helpless as an intern in this scenario and would have to rely on handouts for the next one year. 

Shame

Internship was a time when my bank balance went to 0 Rs for a while (actually it went into negative because I was not maintaining the minimum required balance for HDFC). I was basically relying on the sympathy of my father's colleagues to somehow get by and pay for his meds and home nurse. 

This itself is a problem because there is a difference what one would like to do for your own father and what others would be willing to provide. But it was a compromise I had to accept because it wasn't like I had much choice in all this. And this lack of control over what was happening was a terrible feeling to have in an already awful situation.

One particular incident especially stands out as perhaps the moment I felt like the biggest loser in the whole world. 

It was somewhere in the middle of intern year. I got a call from Aunt May that I needed to pay my father's health insurance premium soon or else he would lose it. The problem of course was that I had no money at all. 

I'm not sure why but somehow I think Aunt May got the idea that I had more money than I was letting on (I wasn't unfortunately). She was pressurising me to arrange the money somehow. 

Salt in Wounds

I tried to get the money. The problem was that I had no idea where I could turn. Who I could trust. Who could help me. I wouldn't be in a position to pay that person back anytime soon. 

I did try to make it happen somehow. My mother had a little cash in a savings account. I tried to use that but it got rejected on the basis of some technicality at the last possible moment. 

That afternoon Aunt May called me and gave me so much shit for this I just started crying on the middle of the sidewalk. 

I felt awful. I couldn't even pay for my father's health insurance when the time came. Failing at something like this is worse than any other test I've failed in life. 

The thing is though, Aunt May didn't have to make me feel shit for that. What exactly was I realistically supposed to do? Even if she, the owner of her own hospital, doesn't want to help her brother out financially here, she could have still just not told me I'm a useless human being? 

The Show Went On

There was only one hospital my father ever wanted treatment from. It was a private hospital. When he did get sick in 2 years after that, I did try to get him to go to the Government Medical College but it's very difficult to make that kind of adjustment at his age. He also had depression after becoming bedridden and I didn't want to make that worse somehow. 

So I kept taking him to the Private Hospital and kept struggling for money each time given he didn't have health insurance anymore. Several times, Aunt May would promise to help pay the bill only for her to take back her word at the last possible moment during discharge. This would result in me running around for help. 

I still hate asking people for money. It's simply not my nature. But when I think back to my father's health, I always wonder if I could have done more than I did. And that includes asking for more loans than I did at the time.