Sutured Dreams

In the past year, I've received all sorts of advice from friends and well-wishers on how to improve my mood. How to achieve happiness.  "Hit the gym." "Buy a guitar." "Watch a movie." "Get invested in work." "Get in a new relationship." "See a therapist." And the all-time classic of them all - " Just be happy ." What most of these well-meaning individuals don't understand is that I've already tried most of these mood-improving tricks over the years and whatever good they do is really only temporary at best. Finding happiness in life is not easy.  But recently, I've found myself feeling better. Less tired. Less angry. More in control of myself.  So, what happened? Victim of the Past Ever since I was a little kid, I've always felt like I was a couple of years older than my actual age.   My mother had decided to change career paths when I was in 2nd or 3rd standard and at that point my father was in

Recently one of my friends told me how no one would ever want their name in my blog's hall of shame (yes, I rant a lot). I had to correct her by saying that all of the names I mention here are changed. And I make sure to change just enough details so that these people are not going to be easily identified in real life. Some of them may have hurt me but I'm not one to *publically* defame them in any way. I used to mention this at the start of each blog once upon a time but eventually I just got lazy and assumed most people would figure out that names such as Aunt May and Professor Highpants are clearly not real.  One of the things I've tried to be over the years is to be the kind of friend that helps people become better versions of themselves. To help them when they most need it and least expect it. This was perhaps a way of compensating for the thing I've not had in the past 6 years. People who've been close to me in this time have slowly destroyed the pleasant pa

My family (at least my father's side) has been destroyed over the years by this habit of loaning more money that one could practically pay back. It had lead to my father selling my mother's ornaments early into their marriage which was something my mother understandably never quite got over.  Growing up, I'd basically promised myself that I was never going to be like that. There was nothing I disliked more than having to ask someone for financial help. But sometimes life circumstances don't always allow us to stick firmly to our principles.  An Abrupt Transition  Trying to take care of loved ones when you're struggling to make money is extremely challenging and painful. And in my case, the transition to being the main provider of the house was abrupt. I did not have the maturity to deal with those issues as well as I'd have liked in hindsight.  My father had a massive stroke just before I was about to start internship and eventually had a hemicraniectomy (he had

It is kinda inevitable that when a new authority figure arrives, there is a sense of hope that somehow this will result in things improving. Especially if the new guy was a popular personality previously. And that's how we fool ourselves.  You see, it's very difficult for one person to change the system for the better compared to how easy it is for the system to change that person for the worse.  Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me I've already gone on about how I was failed in final year practicals in one of the most ridiculous ways you could imagine . Considering what happened there, you'd have thought I'd have gotten the hell out of that place the moment my internship concluded. But that sort of common sense eludes me from time to time.  So Madam Vice Principal called me and said there was an opening in the casualty and they needed me to help out because they were struggling to find enough people to join (gee, I wonder why).  I guess I agreed because trying to find a job

Karma is a nice thing to believe in and it's probably real to an extent. People who do bad things have to be exceptionally good at manipulation to get away with it time and time again. Most people just aren't that good and their luck will run out eventually. The reverse isn't necessarily true though. Good things are far from a sure thing for those who try to do good.  My father's side of the family is kinda weird in a way because the gap between the haves and have nots is remarkable. There are doctors who have their own hospitals while others are in their 60s, unmarried and never held a real job in their lives. This set the stage for the jealousy, paranoia and back-stabbing that would occur over the past few decades.  Uncle Festus  Uncle Festus and I have a history that goes way back to when I was just a little kid. He was my father's cousin. From what I remember, he was a gentle, playful man at the time. Compared to Aunt May who I always thought had some bad vibes

A few years after your parents pass away, you start to realise that in a way, they aren't really gone. The things you learnt from them, the traits you subconsciously took from them and the memories you have of them mean that they continue to live through you even if they’re no longer around.    Humble Beginnings When I sit back and remember my mother, I see a superhero in her own right. She was initially brought up in a very rural area in Pathanamthitta. As you can see from this image, the house was basically in the middle of a forest area. My grandparents were both government teachers and back then, it was not a very rewarding job in terms of pay. Making their way up in life was a slow and difficult process that took decades. The family moved around a lot, I assume this was because of government transfer orders. A couple of years were spent in Palakkad. A few in Ernakulam. And finally, a house was bought in Trivandrum which is where my mother would spend the vast majority of he

90% of me is a realist. I see the world for what it is. Billions live in suffering that the privileged choose to ignore. Good things aren't meant to happen to good people. Bad things aren't destined for bad people. The older you get, the more you understand just how inadequate life feels.  But as much as I'd much rather not admit, there is still a good 10% inside me that believes that there is some magic in this world. That somehow, even through the shittiest of times, there is something better waiting for us somewhere. And it is this idealistic optimism that ultimately brings us down to the lowest of lows.  The Light at the End of the Tunnel There are some days in your life that are so unbearably awful that you'll never forget them. The days my parents died are right up there but this day somehow managed to be even worse.  After months of people torturing me, I had officially hit rock bottom. What exactly that rock bottom was is a story for another day, but let's j

If you're the main person mourning at a funeral, you'll remember every agonising second of it. Including the people. Who came. Who didn't. How they spoke. And what their expressions were.  I've already written in fairly exhaustive detail about the time when me and my father were basically thrown out of the only house I'd known in 25 years one night. That was a pretty crap day but there was a side-story I hadn't mentioned before that is pretty sad on its own.  Shane was my cousin and we are more or less the same age. Shane had a difficult upbringing. His father died of a complicated viral illness when he was just a kid. He and his mom, Teresa were basically on their own after that. His father's brother, Benny, did try to help them out but since he was basically unemployed most of the time himself, it was sometimes difficult to tell who was helping who.  I can't really say that me and Shane were the best of friends or anything. But when we did meet at fami